Richard Weirich

My Plan for Catching Bad Guys

Now, to be clear, I’m an old guy, spend most of my time at home, and very seldom leave the confines of my subdivision. As close to recluse as one can be without actually being one.

Catch the Bad Guys
Catch the Bad Guys

Oh, this hermit-like behavior is of my own choosing. After years in the so-called public eye and putting up with more opinions than I ever wanted to hear, I decided to fall off the planet. But even now, sitting here in the sanctity of my recliner, working on my latest novel, they still find me.

My phone rang this morning at 4:00 a.m. Fellow with a foreign accent callingĀ from Washington, DC. Congratulated me. “Your government has awarded you a grant?” Really?

Then there’s the guy who calls every afternoon about 3:00, also with a foreign accent but claims to be from Birmingham. He’s concerned about my medication. But, I don’t take any medications.

I have a lady friend, well she’s just a recording, but she must be fond of me because she calls with great regularity. She has an important announcement about the balance on my credit card and then she specifies that it’s not a card that I currently possess. “Let me get this straight. You are calling me about a balance on a card that I don’t possess. Does this mean I have been using your card?”

Occasionally, I ask for the caller’s name. My favorite was Elvis. Yep. I found Elvis. He’s now a telemarketer in India.

About once a month another lady friend calls with great news about the free cruise that I’ve won, all expenses paid, and it won’t cost me a dime.

So, you’re thinking, “Put yourself on the no-call list.” I did and the list to the list. Doesn’t work. They still find me.

I’m pretty sure there’s a no-soliciting ordinance in my town. However….there was the nice gal who dropped by one day to clean my floors. She even had an extra large box of detergent for me, if I would just let her vacuum my floors. “Well, heck yeah. Go for it.” All went well until I refused to buy her vacuum cleaner. She didn’t like that. Took my free box of detergent from my hands and ran out the door.

Here’s my point. No matter how far I have removed myself from public life…they still find me. So why not put these annoying people to good use, like on the front lines on the War On Terror? They have a talent for finding people who don’t want to be found.

That lady who gave me a giant box of Tide and then took it away, we could use people like that to deliver the mail. They’re in the neighborhood anyway, right?

The FBI, CIA, and the Calera, Alabama PD have their hands full. Federal and local budgets are stretched beyond what we tax payers can afford. So, expand the reach of the long arm of the law. Solicit the help of telemarketers and door-to-door salesmen to help catch the bad guys.

My name is Richard Weirich and I approve this message.

Paid for by the Committee to Allow Old Men to Enjoy Their Retirement in Peace.

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